Gratitude for “What a Journey”

My last official post from April 20th was written with a big stomach ache. Little did I know that I was posting it with a ruptured appendix. What’s interesting is that the day before, on Sunday, I made my “usual list” of people currently in my life, their purpose and my purpose in theirs. I was sad to see that so many paths with the people on my “list” had come to an end. I had become the “unpaid” therapist and the shoulder so many lean on, yet no one really had the strength to stand on their own without reverting back to chaos. It saddened me to see what I perhaps handed out was sympathy rather than self-empowerment. I asked the Universal forces to help me release them and send them on their way with my blessings. This was Sunday.

Monday morning I started to develop a stomach ache and I remember sitting and meditating while realizing that the “digestion of letting go” of these people was painful. By Monday evening I was so ill that I started to vomit uncontrollably. "I definitely had chewed off too much by letting go so many people at once," is what I thought to myself, thus my vomiting. I posted “Flow” because it’s what I told myself all day long: “Flow with this, let them go in peace, flow with it. This is the part you burst into fragments and into many pieces, flow with it.”

By Wednesday in the middle of the night I had collapsed after going to the bathroom and my teenager woke up and called 911. By the time I got into surgery my appendix had been ruptured for approximately 48 hours, the doctor said. Thursday I started to develop pneumonia and everyone was concerned that I would not make it.

Everyone but me.

I was busy in my mind sorting through the lessons and asking countless questions: Why this? Why now?

Five days and five burst IV infections later I was released last Monday. I immediately came home and got into Louise Hay’s book, “You Can Heal Your Life,” where I found exactly what I suspected:

“Appendicitis: Fear of flow of life.”

Yes! I was definitely scared to take the flow of life the way I had mapped it out. Losing people once again!? I feel like every month, every quarter, I make new friends and I let others go. I’m not even half way through my life journey and I feel like I constantly sift and sift…

Then I remembered what my Tibeten Master taught me. The belly button remains our only physical and emotional connection to our mother, and it’s also our “fear” center. Unresolved or relationships that are still too attached to our mothers bring forth a more painful belly button when pushed in by the thumb. My belly button doesn’t hurt when I push it in with my thumb, however, I have had my gallbladder removed through my belly button and now my appendix. Twice have I attempted to perhaps disconnect my own relationship to motherhood (or turn it inside out). Perhaps not my own mother, but maybe the mother I am to everyone out there.

It's time for me to stop being a mother to everyone and let people fly on their own. Everyone creates their own reality - and therefore everyone can get themselves out of the messes they have created by themselves. All I can be from now on is a catalyst...

I’m on a journey and rather than bringing sympathy to people, which is of no use to anyone at all, I choose to help people find their own power from within themselves.

You have a journey to walk, a path that you’ve agreed to undertake in this life time. Live it to your fullest!