When Sex Becomes a "Weapon"

Exciting things are happening over here. My daughter and I are moving to a new location, new place, new surroundings, new city. We’re both exited and nervous at the same time, and exhausted because we only have one more day to finish packing and giving away what we can’t take with us. We are moving into a space half the size. It’s so great to de-clutter!

Before I log off for a couple of days, I just had to write to everyone because this has been a burning question on my mind.

A man was telling me that he had been having a really rough time in his marriage and while counseling keeps a band aid on things, it is not fixing the overall issue; which of course is a mismatch in their chemical make-up (their blood runs on a different frequency). Meanwhile, feeling stuck in his marriage and tied down by his obligation, his promise and his desire to want to do the right thing, he is giving up more and more of himself, in order to keep the oh-so-detrimental promise: “Until Death Do Us Part.”

A friend of his told him that “it’s cheaper to keep’er” in the long run. "Yes, but at what cost," I asked him. He is the only bread winner while she’s at home spending most of his money. It’s driving him insane how she can spend money.

Then we got to talk about their sex life and sadly enough, when a couple has sex 2 times per year (yes, you heard me right, per year), then it may be time to sit down and do some serious meditating (soul searching as some would call it). I asked him if he ever cheated on her and he said “no,” although he’s been tempted and opportunity definitely has been calling. While he does not seem the type to go out and do the dishonorable thing, when is Enough enough and when is his breaking point?

Women can go without sex for a long, loooong time, without even missing it. This is especially true once they have little children running around. For most women sex is primarily emotional, not physical. So if the emotional needs can be met taking care of their children and by spending lots of money, why should she give up her body when she doesn’t feel like it? It takes a really strong woman to continually work on her own sexuality and to continue fostering those feelings of Want for her partner and to realize that men do work differently physically and to continually deny them their body is like a death sentence to their marriage.

It’s a sad, sad situation and yet so true for so many couples. I was one of those couples not too long ago, and I remember the years when our frequency of sex was 2, perhaps 3 times per year. Ouch.

If you look at it from his side, is it any wonder if he would end up cheating on her? He’s working hard, making all the money, coming home to a wife who instead of taking care of his physical/sexual needs is handing him receipts for more things she bought while he was gone. He’s caught in the middle because he cannot bare leaving his children. Knowing the court system of today, most fathers are truly getting the shorter end of the stick. This includes the dead-beat Dads and the good Dads.

He has met a woman who is single, has not had any sex in quite a few years herself and has absolutely no intention of breaking up anyone’s marriage. Yet their sexual tension nonetheless exists, they are attracted to each other and while they agree not to dishonor and hurt anyone, the tension gets tighter and tighter, as if a rubber band is being pulled apart. When the rubber band snaps, what do you think will happen?

Is it any wonder if this man “breaks” and “gives in”? Could anyone blame him?

So what is the solution, not only for these people here, but for everyone out there who is in the same situation?

When is Enough enough?

I am still meditating on this one because I feel too close to the situation since I know this man and I can see his pain in this face. I have never been cheated on and I have never cheated on anyone. But I do remember the temptation when I felt rejected by my husband over and over. I was there and if the right opportunity would have presented itself, perhaps I would not have been strong enough to keep my promise.

This man loves his children more than anything and doesn’t want to lose them. At the same time he’s a man with needs and wants and desires, which he does not get met by his supposed life partner.

What’s a man to do?