Letting Go and Starting Over (Again)

This week I saw a video of an Australian man who, after a divorce, is selling his “life” on eBay. The video clip shows his house, boat, cars, motorcycle, TV and everything that goes along with the life he’s built and known so far. He is in his 40s and he is literally starting over with nothing; well, perhaps a few more dollars then when he started out. Still, how many people do you know that would have the guts to sell everything and start over? In our 20s perhaps, but the older we get and the more we accumulate the harder it becomes to let go of accumulated values.

It made me think of times when I was either willing or forced to let go of everything and the reasons behind it. And strangely enough, I’m going through it right now again; not by choice, but by circumstance.

Everyone goes through ups and downs in cycles. My cycle is a 10-year cycle. What is yours?

I was 2 years old when I first remember the feeling of scarcity. My mother, sister and I were in the cellar looking through bags of clothes that were ready to be given to my little sister. My mother handmade all of our clothes and she always stretched a penny as far as it could go. I remember wearing the uncomfortable socks my mother sowed back together after they got holes in them right underneath the big toe. Old kitchen towels were used to fix the holes in our jeans and other old and torn up clothes were used to sow together a blanket that would keep us warm during the winter time. I disliked feeling like everything had to be used and reused and then re-re-used for a third time.

When I was 12 my father left and my mother went back to work 6 days a week, 12 hours a day; she had been a stay home mom and money for the two of us was tight. She had to fight my Dad for alimony, especially since my sister went to live with him. We moved from a tiny 3-bedroom apartment to an even smaller 2-bedroom apartment in a building that was hundreds of years old. In order to use the toilet we had to leave our apartment and go down the cold stairs into the main hallway. She provided the main items, such as a roof over my head and basic food group items. Anything extra, such as clothes and food that I wanted to eat had to be earned by me. So I started to work when I was 12 years old and bought my clothes used at the Salvation Army or a second hand store. My possessions consisted of a wooden crate to hold my lamp stand and a single mattress on the floor and a bicycle that I bought myself with my first earnings so I could go to work two cities over from where I lived. Although I had little, the feeling of scarcity left because I felt empowered to earn my own money.

At 22 years of age I decided to come to the United States to learn English. I had lived in a furnished studio and my possessions consisted of my car and a few dishes and silverware. I sold my car and gave my dishes and silverware to my Mom, who still uses them today. I came to the United States with a suitcase to start a job as a nanny earning $400 per month. It was one of my happiest times.

Another 10 years later when I was 32 (are you getting the 10-year cycle drift?), I was very sick with an unexplainable illness that cost me two jobs and left me unemployed and sick for a total of four years. I was married with a 2 year old and a husband, together we owned a house. We were on the brink of losing everything. One of the first things that I gave up was my $55 gym membership. After four full years of being sick, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I was left with a mountain of debt, a body that was as unhealthy as it ever was, a fragmented marriage and many choices to make.

Today, another 10 years later I am yet at another place in my life where I have lost everything, except the most precious things on which no value can be placed. Although single today, my daughter and I have each other. I have my health. And unlike the previous time when I lost everything, the one thing I decided to hold on to is my $55 gym membership. It has been my saving grace and a true blessing in disguise. I work out 5-6 days a week and I value exercising my body as the true blessed privilege it is. Having been at the point of death I truly know how to appreciate my health and my body and I know that I can push forward and eventually will come out of this pit too.

I am literally rebuilding my life from the ground up. What’s different this time than the previous four times is the wisdom I have been able to draw from. This is by far one of the hardest lessons I have to go through and yet it is also one of the happiest times of my life. I feel honored to walk through valleys of shadows knowing that I will get out from under this one too. And if there is one thing that shines brighter than anything else, it is the wisdom that all we need is the attentive moment of the here and now. We need time. Time is the best we can give to anyone. Whether it is an infant child who doesn’t know yet what life is all about or the person in prison for life. We all need someone’s attentive time and the silent knowledge that someone cares.

Can a dollar value be placed on true caring, attentiveness, and time? I am learning to give time first and foremost and all my needs and desires are being met.

My readers, I want to encourage you not to give up when you feel like you’ve reached the end of the rope. There is an end to all valleys. There is a time for renewal and new blessings.

As always it’s an honor to be a part of your journey, no matter where you are in life.