Authenticity – a Scarcity?

A man who is having a difficult time in his marriage wanted a woman’s perspective on what women want from men. He felt confused at the complexity of how women were built (emotionally) and he felt that nothing he ever did was right. He was close to giving up and certainly had started to get the “wandering eye” – which is like crucifying his marriage while being blind folded. It is so difficult to resurrect a marriage once it has gotten “that bad.”

I am not like most women for many reasons. I tend to get along much better with men than I do with women, just because I find women too complicated and confusing for their own good sometimes. If women would just get out of their own destructive ways and drop the drama at times, their lives would be much simpler. Yes, I’m grossly generalizing and yes, there are men too who are making things complicated just like women do. I’m talking “average” here.

After our discussion of what I want in a man, or people in general, it came down to one word: AUTHENTICITY.

What is authenticity and why can “my ideal man” be summed up in this one word?

The Thesaurus describes authenticity as genuineness, legitimacy, validity, faithfulness, dependability, accuracy, realness, substance, trueness, truth, sincerity and realism, etc.

A man who is legitimately genuine and validates his faithfulness to himself by his dependability, which of course he shows by being real and by living in truth and with sincerity, shows substance of the heart. How rare is such a find!

And this goes for women too. Perhaps even more so. How many times have we seen people sell out? How many times have we sold out ourselves?

The absence of authenticity, in my opinion, is scarcity.

The Thesaurus describes scarcity as shortage, lack, insufficiency, deficiency, famine, etc.

When I first came to the United States speaking barely any English, I pronounced the word scarcity as “scar – city.” It made sense, I figured it was a city full of scars, thus we would call it “scar-city.” After about a year someone had the courage to correct my mispronunciation and told me that it was pronounced “scare-city.” That made sense too: it was a city full of scares.

A man (or a woman) living without authenticity automatically lives in scarcity, or a city full of scars or scares. Scarcity of character that is. Such a person sells out too easily, perhaps at the slightest sign when things get tough. But to hold to ones authentic Self is such a rare sight and experience, that when it actually does happen it floors us and it seems almost surreal. All this is so surprising to me as a foreigner in this country. I thought this was the country of the “free” where Freedom of Speech was the basis of what this country is founded upon. I don’t see a lot of that neither from the top nor from the rest of us.

Not sticking up for what is right for ourselves causes us to bottle up. We all know what happens with a bottle neck in a freeway. Over time the traffic gets worse until people start moving out of the area because they’ve had enough of the long commute to work. When we create a bottleneck within our own flow of feelings and emotions, the same thing happens, except that those 50 trillion living cells can’t move out of the body, they seek war instead, which often results in physical ailments such as strokes, heart problems, and cancer.

There is one simple solution to our problems: be authentic. Not according to others’ authenticity, but your own.

Your toughest challenge is to figure out who you are in the first place!

And the only place you’ll find the answer to who you are deep within is exactly there: deep within your Self. Meditate, take time out from the daily grind, sit in peace and in silence out with Mother Nature. Let her tell you who you are, then go and spread your wings and be your authentic Self. And as you do so, others who are hurting you will automatically fall away and new people who are as authentic as you are will fill the empty space. It will be a blessed day when you realize how magnificant you are!

My blessed rays of light to brighten your day!

A Blessing and Prayer for Our Enemies

It has been a difficult journey to want to pray for my enemies, yet I have not given up and as I have just started out on this path, I will learn a lot and undoubtedly share it with the world.

Often we think that the word "repentance" means "to give something up" - in truth that is only half of the equation. Repentance also means to turn around and do the opposite of what was done before. We are also advised to bless our enemies, to pray for them and to make them our friends. Urgh – after someone hurts us, crucifies us upside down and then cuts out our heart when we’re still alive, how can we humanly pray for such people?

And yet, holding anger and harboring revenge in our hearts really only hurts one person: us.

So I am learning that we can always make choices, after all, that is the privilege of being a human being. One can respond by saying “hallelujah” or one can say “darned.” Either way, the Universal forces support us all the way, no matter our choice.

After I came up with this prayer below I shared with my friend that the list of “enemies” was reaching close to 50 people. They are not people that I hate or that I wish bad things for, they are just people that have hurt me in the past, one way or another. Some are business related, others are close friends and family members. The sad part is that I no longer associate with most of those people because most of these bridges now lay in ruins. I don’t like drama and I don’t want people around me that lack integrity, character or authenticity. I always told my mother as a teenager that I would rather live in this world alone than to live amongst a pack of evil back stabbers. And even though I would love to live in a lonely Swiss mountain cabin taking care of animals rather than sharing my live vulnerably with the world, as I am strolling through my 40s I realize that I do have the option to make such a choice. And now that I realize that I do have this choice, I am still choosing to have my life in the public eye because I know that is where I can help the most.

Perhaps this prayer will aid some of you to pray for those that have hurt you. After all, the world is a heavy burden for us to carry. I am not strong enough to carry the anger and the hatred I have for people who hurt me, therefore I want to release it and let it go so I can be free to wish them peace, which in turn will return to me in like-form.

So here is my prayer. Feel free to copy and paste it and adjust it to what feels right to you. I would recommend you reading it at least once a day, before retiring, and preferrably throughout the day.

Father-Mother Principal, Light Source, to The Great I Am:
And I am in awe of your creation of not only the Universe, but especially our intricate system that we as human represent. We are You in the flesh, Your magnificance lives and experiences through us. We are connected, forever intertwined, interwoven, intermingled and for all times and endlessly interdependent from one another. How magnificent You truly are – I am on a forever journey to discover and understand your works.
I fully realize how powerful I am, especially as a catalyst and anchor to others, no matter the intentions. Therefore I am concerned with the feelings I hold towards those who hurt me and bring the situation before you. I come before you with an offering of a broken spirit. I don't want to pass blame, this is my own doing. I present to you my enemies and those who hurt me, and my emotions that come to the surface when I think about these people; those whom I purposefully choose not to interact with – yet I present them to you and ask you to bless them with only the best of the best that You have to offer. Although they hurt me, I’m sure they never set out to do so on purpose. And I know I too have hurt others tremendously, yet never on purpose. So I am asking You to forgive them as I have, and to bring them only what You think is just. I ask You to bless the following people:

[insert your own list of people]

And with this prayer I release any non-beneficial feelings that I may be inclined to hold on to and ask that You cleanse and transmute these feelings into pure love as only You know it. I release all these people to You and I only wish them love, peace and blessings. And so it is.

Letting Go and Starting Over (Again)

This week I saw a video of an Australian man who, after a divorce, is selling his “life” on eBay. The video clip shows his house, boat, cars, motorcycle, TV and everything that goes along with the life he’s built and known so far. He is in his 40s and he is literally starting over with nothing; well, perhaps a few more dollars then when he started out. Still, how many people do you know that would have the guts to sell everything and start over? In our 20s perhaps, but the older we get and the more we accumulate the harder it becomes to let go of accumulated values.

It made me think of times when I was either willing or forced to let go of everything and the reasons behind it. And strangely enough, I’m going through it right now again; not by choice, but by circumstance.

Everyone goes through ups and downs in cycles. My cycle is a 10-year cycle. What is yours?

I was 2 years old when I first remember the feeling of scarcity. My mother, sister and I were in the cellar looking through bags of clothes that were ready to be given to my little sister. My mother handmade all of our clothes and she always stretched a penny as far as it could go. I remember wearing the uncomfortable socks my mother sowed back together after they got holes in them right underneath the big toe. Old kitchen towels were used to fix the holes in our jeans and other old and torn up clothes were used to sow together a blanket that would keep us warm during the winter time. I disliked feeling like everything had to be used and reused and then re-re-used for a third time.

When I was 12 my father left and my mother went back to work 6 days a week, 12 hours a day; she had been a stay home mom and money for the two of us was tight. She had to fight my Dad for alimony, especially since my sister went to live with him. We moved from a tiny 3-bedroom apartment to an even smaller 2-bedroom apartment in a building that was hundreds of years old. In order to use the toilet we had to leave our apartment and go down the cold stairs into the main hallway. She provided the main items, such as a roof over my head and basic food group items. Anything extra, such as clothes and food that I wanted to eat had to be earned by me. So I started to work when I was 12 years old and bought my clothes used at the Salvation Army or a second hand store. My possessions consisted of a wooden crate to hold my lamp stand and a single mattress on the floor and a bicycle that I bought myself with my first earnings so I could go to work two cities over from where I lived. Although I had little, the feeling of scarcity left because I felt empowered to earn my own money.

At 22 years of age I decided to come to the United States to learn English. I had lived in a furnished studio and my possessions consisted of my car and a few dishes and silverware. I sold my car and gave my dishes and silverware to my Mom, who still uses them today. I came to the United States with a suitcase to start a job as a nanny earning $400 per month. It was one of my happiest times.

Another 10 years later when I was 32 (are you getting the 10-year cycle drift?), I was very sick with an unexplainable illness that cost me two jobs and left me unemployed and sick for a total of four years. I was married with a 2 year old and a husband, together we owned a house. We were on the brink of losing everything. One of the first things that I gave up was my $55 gym membership. After four full years of being sick, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I was left with a mountain of debt, a body that was as unhealthy as it ever was, a fragmented marriage and many choices to make.

Today, another 10 years later I am yet at another place in my life where I have lost everything, except the most precious things on which no value can be placed. Although single today, my daughter and I have each other. I have my health. And unlike the previous time when I lost everything, the one thing I decided to hold on to is my $55 gym membership. It has been my saving grace and a true blessing in disguise. I work out 5-6 days a week and I value exercising my body as the true blessed privilege it is. Having been at the point of death I truly know how to appreciate my health and my body and I know that I can push forward and eventually will come out of this pit too.

I am literally rebuilding my life from the ground up. What’s different this time than the previous four times is the wisdom I have been able to draw from. This is by far one of the hardest lessons I have to go through and yet it is also one of the happiest times of my life. I feel honored to walk through valleys of shadows knowing that I will get out from under this one too. And if there is one thing that shines brighter than anything else, it is the wisdom that all we need is the attentive moment of the here and now. We need time. Time is the best we can give to anyone. Whether it is an infant child who doesn’t know yet what life is all about or the person in prison for life. We all need someone’s attentive time and the silent knowledge that someone cares.

Can a dollar value be placed on true caring, attentiveness, and time? I am learning to give time first and foremost and all my needs and desires are being met.

My readers, I want to encourage you not to give up when you feel like you’ve reached the end of the rope. There is an end to all valleys. There is a time for renewal and new blessings.

As always it’s an honor to be a part of your journey, no matter where you are in life.

What’s a Woman To Do?

A woman tells me her story. She is originally from England and came to the US temporarily to do some business. Her maximum stay was anticipated to be approximately 2 years. This was in 1998. Today she still lives here, is married and has two children, a five year old boy and a toddler girl.

She confessed that although she loved the San Francisco Bay Area, she really wanted to go back to England at some point, but her falling in love changed all of her life plans.

I can sympathize, because I had a similar story happen to me. I too came here to learn English with every intention to go back to my home country, when I too fell in love. This was 19 years ago and I’m still here.

Back to this woman. She told me that it was their plan to one day move to England and raise their children there. Now that their son is five and old enough to go to school, her husband changed her mind and he doesn’t want to leave the US any longer.

What is she to do?

She feels as though her spirit is breaking because their agreement was clear: that they would move to England when their child was old enough to go to school. His change of mind puts a dent in their agreement, and threatens to tear the fabric of their marriage apart.

Is she supposed to take their children and just move on and out of the US and go back to England without him? Or should she continue trying to convince him that moving to England would be good for all of them and that after all they made an agreement? Is she supposed to divorce him for not keeping her promise? Is she supposed to swallow her dream and anticipation to move back to her own country for the sake of their marriage and their children? What level of compromising is too much and what is not enough? Is compromising even a word that belong into the holy union of a true marriage?

These are technicalities and mechanics that can throw a marriage off and they will work themselves out sooner or later. What’s really hurting all of them here is the distrust that is being caused by the change of minds and expectations of each partner.

As with every “cause” there are always multiple ripple “effects” and long after the cause has been forgotten, we are busy fighting the effects. And effects are always outside and can never be fought, because the effects stem from the cause, which is always internal.

The effects of this distrust and the change of minds have now caused a huge wedge between her and her husband. He’s surprised that she’s withdrawn and doesn’t want to have sex with him anymore, she’s lost interest in him and she’s disappointed that he’s letting her and the children down by going back on his promise. He’s upset that she would be “like that” since now he has a good job and they have a house and live the “American Dream” (whatever that is) and he doesn’t want to give it up to go live in a country that is not his own.

She told me that although he’s not cheating on her, he has started to flirt with other married women on the Internet and she too has been eye balling man-candy at the fitness center where she works out. He’s started to drink more beer and watch more TV. They’re both depressed and they both feel stuck and now what originally seemed like a union made in heaven is revealing itself to be a golden cage and they both feel trapped.

Now let’s dissect this a little further. Let’s assume they both end up cheating on each other because they no longer get their needs met at home, will this accomplish the original agreement, which is to move the family to England? Of course not! But not only will it not accomplish the original dream, it will create new baggage of turmoil, not only for them, but also for the children. In the end they will hate each other, and go through an ugly divorce which will affect the children the most, as is usually the case.

So what’s the perfect solution to this seemingly big problem? How will they handle these marriage “hick-ups” or has their marriage really never had a chance and this is just the inevitable taking place?

Again, I’m not a counselor or a therapist and I did not make any recommendations to her. When people ask me what I think they should do I usually tend to turn their own question back to them because I believe that we each have all the answers to the challenges in our own lives. Sometimes our lives are just so clouded that we can’t see through chaos and we feel that others “out there” know the answers for our own lives. This is not correct and I would never want to tell a person what I think they should do.

So all I could do was paint futuristic pictures for her by asking her what it would look like if she did this or that. After a few minutes of “seeing” where her marriage is going depending on which steps she would take she said: “It looks like I’m heading for divorce.”

We make agreements all the time, and we break them more often than not. Not because we’re bad people, simply because life changes, circumstances change and we as a people change. It’s difficult to put someone or ourselves into a box and say: “This is who I am and this is who I will be forever.” We are a people of BECOMING and with it comes change, expansion, some shrinkage and then we expand and grow again. To force someone into a box that we designed for them is cruel and unloving. Even if this is a box that we designed for ourselves.

Be free, be honest, be authentic, be real and grow and expand!

What’s a Man To Do?

Imagine this story. A young, handsome teenage boy turns into a young man, enjoying life, women and his sexuality. He can’t get enough of it, takes every opportunity he has to be with another woman and often “lines up” the next one before he “dumps” the current one. Soon he approaches his 30s and the drive to have a family arises and with it the wish to get married, to stay faithful, to have a family and a true partner for life.

He finds her, this partner for life, they get married and they have two boys. They buy a house and the dog, of course, and all seems dandy. She’s a stay-home mom while he’s out working and earning the bacon. He’s happy, she’s happy – at least at the forefront. He’s a really handsome guy and gets offers to be with other women left and right, and he graciously declines. After all, he’s found his life partner. She too is a beautiful, tall woman, not bad to look at and she too gets hit on by men on a frequent basis. To no avail, because she too has found her life partner and they now have a family to raise.

On the trot through life, every day pretty much looks like the previous one. He goes to work while she stays home with the two little boys. All is well, at least for a while. The boys are getting to be Kindgarten age now and the daily routine the way they used to know it is shifting just a tad bit. He’s still off to work every day, she’s still the stay-home Mom.

One day I ask him how his life is going and he said: “Everything’s going great except I’m frustrated with my job. I want to do more with my life and I want to build my own product, but my wife is a stay-home Mom and I can’t really afford leaving work and getting a pay cut while I am off inventing my product. And money is too tight for me to put anything else aside. So life overall is good, our marriage is great, the kids are great, I’m just frustrated professionally.”

This was 4 years ago. Yes, this is a true story.

I specifically remember feeling compassion for this man because I know better when I hear “everything’s great EXCEPT…” Anytime you hear the “except” word all it really means is that EVERYTHING is out of order, it only shows up in one area. If the Universe or Life or God would show us all the things that need to change in our life, all at the same time, we would have a heart attack and die. So we’re giving little bites to chew on. These “little flags” are here to wave at us and they’re yelling: “Hey, I’m not okay in here, do something about it!” And yet we dismiss it as “everything’s okay, EXCEPT this one little thing over here.”

So 4 years pass and I ran into this gentleman perhaps 2 or 3 times over the past year. I just saw him again and he seemed to have lost a lot of weight. I stopped him and we talked.

Over the past year he has been trying to continue working on his business idea while keeping the same job. His wife continued being a stay-home Mom and money continued to be tight, even tighter, because the boys are getting bigger. Last year they discovered that one of their little boys was not quite developing the way he should have. He wasn’t talking, his balance was off, many things worried them and he was tested for a terminal disease. They found out that he had some physical handicaps that would affect him and them for the rest of their lives.

The wife snapped.

Suddenly she went on a rampage telling her husband that it’s all his fault and that he wasn’t making enough money and that he should be the provider and on and on she went. The way she is dealing with all of these issues that life is dealing them is by hanging out with the wrong crowd, going out partying in the middle of the week, coming home at 3 a.m. or not coming home at all. She doesn’t love him anymore and now she wants a divorce because “it’s all his fault for not making enough money.” However, there is no money for her to move out and get her own place because she’s been taken care of since she was 21 years old.

He reacts to this by going to counseling, trying to find out where he went wrong and how he can stick in there with her while she’s going through this rough time. He lost 35 pounds because he’s been too stressed. While she’s out partying and disappears all weekend, he’s working and then taking care of his two boys full time. He’s desperately trying to hold on to the house and continue paying for the mortgage on his own, but it’s getting tougher.

And needless to say, their sex life has been non existent for almost a year.

When is Enough enough?

I was not in the exact same position in my marriage, but my husband and I certainly went through our financial troubles and we certainly experienced strain in every department of our lives. And yes, we didn’t have sex for 8 months, the next year for 6 months, and so on. Everyone seems to experience this droughts at some point in their life and their marriage. The question is, what can be done? What should be done? What are they going to do? And what about the children who are caught in the middle?

You, my reader, are on your own evolutionary journey and you have chosen to be in this body living your current life, on purpose. The question is: Are you living your life to the fullest? Are you truly wanting to do with your life what you have come to do? Are you sacrificing your Life and your Self for some myth just so you can fit into someone else’s box and say “I did it!” when it’s all said and done? Who are you? And who are you living your life for if not for you?

This man saw the warning signs 4 years ago but remember, all was well except the job thing. No, not all was well, everything was out of order back then, it only showed up in one area because it would have been easier to deal with one area than to now swallow this entire elephant at once.

Four years ago he had to deal with this:

• Marriage: great
• Wife: great
• Sex Life: great
• Health: great
• Children: great
• Self: great
• Job: needs improvement

Four years later here is what it looks like:

• Marriage: hanging on a thread
• Wife: miserable, partying, losing herself, perhaps cheating on husband
• Sex Life: non existent
• Health: not good, lost 35 pounds because of stress
• Children: under way too much pressure, missing their Mom
• Self: questioning Self, wondering what happened, in counseling looking for answers
• Job: still needs improvement but is now shoved to the end of the line because of all the other more important things

We all live a picture similar to the above example, only the bullet points are different. If you were to take a snap shot of your life today in the same way, you would see that your life too has areas that are out of balance. You can predict very easily what your life is going to look like 4 years from today, or 10 years from today, if you do not take care of those out-of-balance areas right now.

Don’t delay – please don’t put yourself in a box pretending that “all is well” when in fact Life is calling you to grow and change.

Much love and strength and passion to continue on your path to freedom!

How To Resurrect Desire

First, let’s talk about what kinds of desires there are. When I walked up to the church where I was asked to give this sermon, the church bulletin outside for all to see said “Desire.” I said a silent “oh, oh” to myself, because the word by itself can mean a lot of things. My instructions, however, were to come up with a sermon on how to RESURRECT desire (implying that it must be dead or healf-dead first).

The congregation was pleased when I summed up the desires, because in essence the little flame of desire, no matter what desire we are talking about, burns in everyone.

Here is just a partial list of desires that we can experience in our life time.

- Desire to be healthy
- Desire to get married or find the love of your life
- Desire to have children
- Desire to get rich
- Desire to have true friends
- Desire to pray
- Desire to achieve something
- Desire to have sex or share oneself with our partner
- Desire to leave a legacy behind
- Desire to live
- Desire to love God, Life, the Universe, whatever you call it

Often we lose the desires for these experiences, due to other experiences that threaten to snuff out our light. I had to go inward myself and remember the first time I had a burning desire and remember the intricate details of what caused this desire to burn until the fire had to be quenched by its exact replica on the outside world. It was when I was 4 years old. I never forget the moment when my parents took my sister and I on a Sunday stroll in Switzerland, along a gravel country path heading towards the farm next to us. There it was – the most beautiful, powerful, magnificent, majestic, elegant, 4-legged thing I had ever seen! I remember thinking to myself: “This must be God in the flesh.”

They were two horses coming towards us. I had never seen such an animal and yet one desire immediately flared up within me: the desire to sit on one of these animals. I was too young and the riders of course wouldn’t allow me to sit on one of their beautiful horses. My mother told me that when I was old enough to make my own phone call to a horse back riding stable and find out how much lessons cost, she would pay for a horseback riding lesson. I didn’t read yet but I was determined. The passion and desire within me was burning stronger and stronger. I got my hands on horse books and drew horses all day long. We had binoculars and from our place I could see the horse back riders along the edge of the forest along the horizon. I just had to ride one of these majestic animals soon.

I was 5 years old when I was able to make the entire call by myself. The lesson cost about five US dollars per hour back then. I don’t remember sleeping the night before my first lesson.

Once I was sitting on this amazing animal, a new desire was born within me, the desire to one day own my own horse. I started to work at the horseback riding stable for free, cleaning horses, picking up horse poop, sweeping the floors, cleaning the saddles, anything just to be around the horses.

Ten years later my mother bought me a 1-year old horse that I couldn’t even ride yet, but I was the happiest girl in the world.

We have been taught that the kingdom of God is within and that the it belongs to little children and that unless we become like little children we can not enter the kingdom of God. At first blush this seems like a contradiction. If the kingdom is already within me, then why do I need to enter it in the first place? And why is it not all children but only LITTLE children?

Anyone who has children knows that there is a huge difference between a 3-4 year old and a 8-9 year old! We are told to become like little children. From my own memories of childhood I know that I forgave easily when I was that little. I remember going into what my mother called room arrest for seemingly hours. Yet the moment she closed that door I was in my own “kingdom” and was happy as a clam not even remembering why I was there in the first place. Today when we get in trouble, mostly because of our own doing, we mope around a sad face for days, weeks, months, even years; and it shows in every face on our elderly generation.

A Proverb says that “a happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.” (15:13)

Yet how many of us, including myself, let heartache crush our spirit more than once, and worse, we hold on to the pain for dear life. Why? For what?

So a journey began for me a couple of weeks ago, one to remember my happiest moments in life as a child, going back and studying the moments that robbed my desire to live, even as a child. And remembering the happy times when I was blissfully joyful and nothing could pull me from the kingdom within.

And I have learned that there are 3 key things that steal our desires:

1. Holding a record of wrong and harboring unkindness towards others

2. Stopping the growth process, stop living, mediocrity

3. Stop believing that we are indeed here for a greater purpose

The question is, once this desire for life and love seems to have disappeared or been robbed from us, how do we resurrect our desires?

1. Bless and love our enemies and let go of the record of wrongs

2. Realizing that little children change faster than a lightening bolt, they constantly grow, they literally live in the moment as if tomorrow didn’t exist. They forget sorrow quickly and they never hold a record of wrong, they forgive in a flash without reasoning through the “ifs, whats, and buts.” If we can become like a little child and grow and change frequently, never staying stagnant, then we will hear the desires burning within us once again.

3. Find the one thing that you would do for free, when you do it you are lost in time; your are guided by spirit

Out of these 3 the first one is probably the most difficult one to achieve. It’s not an achievement, it’s a journey, it never ends. Just when you think you have forgiven all the people that have hurt you in the past, there will be another person to put on that list so you can pray for them, bless them and love them.

I am currently working on a prayer that I am writing for myself that I intend on reading over and over again several times throughout the day, with the focus to bless my enemies and wish them only the best of the best. When I have it, I will share it with everyone so you too can move on in loving rays of sunlight with only the best wishes for others in your heart.

Much love to everyone today and in this very moment…

When The Going Gets Tough

This has been a most difficult week for me and my daughter. We experienced a lot of tension and we fought and disagreed almost the entire week. She ended up spending the night at her auntie’s place and after dropping her off I came home and cried, and cried, and cried some more. It was one of those weeks that was just difficult. No, no one died that I personally knew. I just didn’t have anything in me to write about, at least not seemingly.

And yet I was asked to give another sermon at a Unity Church tomorrow and you would never guess the topic: “Resurrecting Desire.”

Urgh! Just when I feel like putting my head in the sand and forgetting about the fact that I’m alive. I was looking and searching and asking for answers, but nothing came to mind, at least not much that made any sense. And the more I searched for material, the more tense I seemed to get. Do you ever feel like you are just stuck in a black hole type of vortex that you can’t seem to get out of? Kind of like a nightmare that you want to wake up from so desperately? That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling like this week.

I’m still coming out of it and I’m still working on my sermon, and as I meditate and let it come to me, I know I’ll be fine. I always am.

What helped me tremendously this morning was sitting on my meditation pillow facing East right when it started to get light. The few sprinkled clouds on the horizon that at first were black, turned white and then bright orange as the sun started to come up more and more. Then it all turns “normal” and the gorgeous and brilliant colors disappear. I sat there for a minute and enjoyed the brightness when the sun started to appear from behind the mountain. I closed my eyes and let the rays warm my face when I realized that I had been harboring all this anger and frustration and disappointment inside of me this week about these things that are not going as I want them to go these days. I was in particular upset with a few key people when I realized that the rays of this sun will hit those people and warm their skin as much as mine and provide light to them as much as to me. Suddenly I felt “ugly” inside for holding so much bitterness and “poor me” attitudes towards these people that are getting the same benefits from nature that I do.

And suddenly I was able to see that although the sun and the moon and the rain do their job for everyone on this planet, the good and the bad, it is not for me to judge who or what is good and bad; especially not since I have done some things myself that are not worthy to be shouted from any roof tops. I was able to let them go and wish them well.

And then the real challenge came. I know that in addition to let them go in peace, we are to also bless our enemies and pray for them and to wish them well and even help them if they ask us to. Ah, do I really have to go there now!? Can’t I just let them go in peace? Must I? Really, must I also bless them and wish them only the best and even help them?

So that is where I am now. Mustering up the heart and the love to wish my enemies well and to bless them with my kindness. I’m in the transmutation process, if that makes any sense. While I have made the decision to send kindness and love only, doing it and feeling it and meaning it takes a little extra time, I find.

So here is my sermon material for tomorrow. Why do we get to a place where we lose our desires? Whether it is our desire to live or our desire to be healthy or in love? What exactly is it that robs us of our desire to only want what’s best for us and others? How do we get into these black holes that seem to suck the life out of us?

I can’t answer for anyone else but me; and what I see for myself is that what robs my desire the most is when I get bogged down by anger, depression, frustration, irritability, lack of patience or kindness towards another living being. Being frustrated or angry at anything or anyone only hurts me.

I’m learning to go within, the desires have never left me, they have never left you – they are merely covered up and blocked by the “ugliness” of our own selfish ambitions. And rest assured, there is a karmic law that goes beyond our natural laws, and karmic law affects all of us, just like our sun does. It is indeed not mine to avenge but God’s.

Much love to everyone.