Marriage, divorce and relationships in general have a huge impact on our health and overall well-being. Just this week our county suffered a tragic loss to suicide. A 25 year old young woman who shot herself to death because her boyfriend broke up with her. If you've never "been that low" I hope you can reserve judgment for people who do go to the edge where pain seems too overbearing. The woman was not only beautiful, she was successful, had a great job with lots of promises ahead - yet nothing seemed to heal her heart from her break-up with her boyfriend. Suicide seemed like her only way out. As a suicide prevention counselor I see the complaint about loneliness all too many times, and most never call the hotline to get help. It doesn't have to be this way. Yet this is the reality for so many.The bible says: "Let no man separate what God has joined together." (Please note that I am not religious and do not belong to any religious groups or churches.) If the word "joined" would have been translated accurately from the Hebrew, the word would actually have been "welded." Welding two people together, or anything that is welded together for that reason, cannot be ripped apart without damage to both parts. Any welder knows this, any jewelry maker knows this. Yet as people we rip apart our own marriages all day long.
But what if we forgot to pay attention to the middle part of the sentence? "Let now man separate WHAT GOD has welded together." What if your marriage wasn't welded together by God at all? What if it's us humans getting infatuation confused with unconditional and true love, which causes us to squeeze a square peg into a round hole? Can we truly say then that God put the marriage together?
Some of you may say: "Well, we are all gods, God acts through us, therefore, we are gods of our own lives." Yes, that is very well true - we are also told that "The Heart is deceitful above all things." Knowing that full well, I also know that now looking back, my "red flags" came along right with the feelings of love, of wanting to truly make it work, of wanting to be "at home" with this person for the rest of our lives: "Until Death Do Us Part." I shrugged the red flags under the rug and only looked at the good feelings and intentions, hoping the red flags would disappear over time, or be transformed over time. Ah, I was notorious for HOPING that he'll change, or that IT will change. And it never does, does it Ladies...
Some of you may say: "Well, we are all gods, God acts through us, therefore, we are gods of our own lives." Yes, that is very well true - we are also told that "The Heart is deceitful above all things." Knowing that full well, I also know that now looking back, my "red flags" came along right with the feelings of love, of wanting to truly make it work, of wanting to be "at home" with this person for the rest of our lives: "Until Death Do Us Part." I shrugged the red flags under the rug and only looked at the good feelings and intentions, hoping the red flags would disappear over time, or be transformed over time. Ah, I was notorious for HOPING that he'll change, or that IT will change. And it never does, does it Ladies...
And now in hindsight, almost 4 years later, I have learned this wisdom. God never welded together our marriage at all. THAT was the thing we tried to do for almost 15 years, we tried to weld and mold and join and weld some more. But it would never stick long enough. It was exhausting to say the least. And our marriage never welded, never joined, we never succeeded at squeezing the square peg into a round hole...
Let’s look at some statistics (Source for all statistics: http://www.divorcereforum.org/): 1. America has the highest divorce rate in the world
2. The number of divorces has quadrupled from 4.3 million in 1970 to 18.3 in 1996
3. Divorces cost Americans $33.3 Billion each year
4. Each divorce costs the government approximately $30,000 in increased food stamps, juvenile delinquencies and increased bankruptcies
5. 75% of all divorces are initiated by women (I heard that 85% of women today don't even want to get married anymore)
6. Divorce counts for a major reason of suicide amongst males
7. There are almost 1 million attempted suicides each year
8. 50% of all children involved never see their fathers again one year after the divorce
9. Children in single family households are twice as likely to develop serious psychiatric illnesses and addictions later in life
10. Approximately 1 million children each year are affected by divorce
11. Fatherless homes account for:
2. The number of divorces has quadrupled from 4.3 million in 1970 to 18.3 in 1996
3. Divorces cost Americans $33.3 Billion each year
4. Each divorce costs the government approximately $30,000 in increased food stamps, juvenile delinquencies and increased bankruptcies
5. 75% of all divorces are initiated by women (I heard that 85% of women today don't even want to get married anymore)
6. Divorce counts for a major reason of suicide amongst males
7. There are almost 1 million attempted suicides each year
8. 50% of all children involved never see their fathers again one year after the divorce
9. Children in single family households are twice as likely to develop serious psychiatric illnesses and addictions later in life
10. Approximately 1 million children each year are affected by divorce
11. Fatherless homes account for:
• 63% of youth suicides
• 90% of homeless / runaway children
• 85% of children with behavior problems
• 71% of high school dropouts
• 85% of youth in prison
• 50+ % of teen mothers
What does this statistic have to do with chronic illness?
a. I believe that most illness is caused by stress.
b. I believe that most stress in today's world is caused by mismatching ourselves with the wrong people (not only our marriage or love partners, this also includes the families we live with, the friends we choose, the bosses we choose to work for, and the overall environment we set up around ourselves).
WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES? And for what?
Do we suffer "in the name of love?" There is not much love there trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole, hoping for the square peg to one day fit. It'll never fit. Just like Hydrogen and Peroxide will never make water, a wrongly matched couple will never create anything productive and useful for humanity.
Are you asking yourself just about now: "I wonder if I'm with the right partner." Then read between your own lines, because your answer is within that same question...
More on this most important topic later...
7 comments:
Hello again! I am so glad I found this blog and thank you for your response. Your thoughts on red flags ring so true for me. I saw them the first day I met my would be wife. We were never friends and definitely not soul mates. Fortunately we are trying to end the marriage without too much bickering. I plan to be with my kids as much as possible and share them with their mom.
Yes, I have a burning light in me. I am an artist but put that aside for years. I stumbled here or was guided here on purpose.
Thank you,
Lionel
I'm glad you found this page too. And the best of luck to you and your family!
Don't forget to sign up for the bi-weekly ezine which you can also forward to your friends.
Any questions I can help you with, just send me a note.
Chaszey
Chaszey, I HAD to write you back after reading some of your free report...I am reading along and there were the words Law of Attraction!!! I just started getting into the Secret movie as recommended by my counselor and have been asking to attract more positive influences that weren't some scam asking me for money...I stopped reading your report to write you again!
I have goosebumps right now.
Lionel
See, Lionel, you're already seeing the fruits of how the Law of Attraction works: you were looking for answers and you came across this blog as well as the movie The Secret and I'm sure you'll have many more such experiences. What's really happening here is that you have put into gear your vehicle by having a strong desire for answers. Seek and you shall find. Seek with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind, and you shall find. It is true for everything. When you do, the answers will always come in the measure of your desire. :-) You're doing great as your God bumps are showing.
Chaszey
I too have developed lupus, from the stress of my marriage of 14 years.I have been trying to divorce my husband going on three years, he is on attorney number 4, who has his new tactics and this judge is giving into all their demands.
My home has been in and out of foreclosure now twice, we’ve been in court 6 times for contempt charges, (failure to pay support) and my husband has yet to be found in contempt, the judge has this impression that all I want is the money of our businesses that I help him create during our marriage.
This has taken a toll on my children, granted they are 20 and 18. I home has been in storage for three years, my 18 year old needs a liver transplant, who is now addicted to pot and my 20 year old has started drinking. I also have Lupus, which is exasperated by stress that’s resulted in two strokes. But my attorney has not gotten that across.
She doesn’t understand how this has taken a toll on my family. How do I get this judge to budge, why is she so sympathetic to my husband who had numerous affairs and a child during our marriage. Is my education and job affecting her response? How can I speed this process?
susie@uat-inc.com
Judge that won’t budge- too forgiving
I have been trying to divorce my husband going on three years, he is on attorney number 4, who has his new tactics and this judge is giving into all their demands.
My home has been in and out of foreclosure now twice, we’ve been in court 6 times for contempt charges, (failure to pay support) and my husband has yet to be found in contempt, the judge has this impression that all I want is the money of our businesses that I help him create during our marriage.
This has taken a toll on my children, granted they are 20 and 18. I home has been in storage for three years, my 18 year old needs a liver transplant, who is now addicted to pot and my 20 year old has started drinking. I also have Lupus, which is exasperated by stress that’s resulted in two strokes. But my attorney has not gotten that across.
She doesn’t understand how this has taken a toll on my family. How do I get this judge to budge, why is she so sympathetic to my husband who had numerous affairs and a child during our marriage. Is my education and job affecting her response? How can I speed this process?
Hi Susie,
My heart goes out to you and your family and I hope you can feel my big cyber hug. It's amazing the damage emotional chaos can do to ourselves, our home and work lives, and especially our overall health and well-being. I wish there was a "magic wand" that I could wave over your heads to make the pain go away. And perhaps I do have a magic wand...but I wouldn't be allowed to use it to remove pain from someone else's journey and their life path.
You're probably screaming and begging for relief and I want you to hear me: You don't have to beg, but you do have to shout and scream that you've had enough once and for all. MEAN it and say it like your life and that of your children's depended on it (because it sounds like it does). Hit the table with your fist if you must, but let that energy out and tell the Universe you've had enough of this suffering once and for all.
And while this was the method I used to recover once and for all from not only the Fibromyalgia and CFIDS, I was even more surprised that even my life long allergies and hey fever disappeared in one swift moment. This was many years ago and I have never once had a recurrance from allergies. It used to be so bad that I couldn't even leave the house for months at a time. YOU CAN DO THE SAME and your children will follow in your foot steps. Their health is a reflection of your emotional and spiritual health. Let's work on that first and the outward health will readjust itself.
When I look at life and the people and things in it as symbols, then I can remove myself from myself and become the observer and detach myself from myself. I hope this makes sense. What I mean by this is the following. Your ex-husband has the knowledge of the law on this side, as an attorney, and he knows exactly how to work it. Obvisously you have learned, and so have I and many others, that there is NO justice system in our justice system today. The only justice system we can count on is the heavenly justice system, the one that is monitored by Mother Nature and our incomprehensible Father-Mother principle - the seesaw that always ends up balancing in perfect balance, because Mother Nature never lets go of imbalance for too long. This man, your ex-husband, SEEMS to have the upper hand over you and your children and your combined lives. HOWEVER, it only seems that way because you have given that part of you over to him. He knows your sick, and he knows he has destroyed you, it's what he's counted on - and look: he's succeeding according to what your describing.
This is going to be challenging but trust me, it works and it works every time - do not dismiss the simplicity of this. Find a mantra, an affirmation, a prayer, whatever you call it, that is filled with love for the man you once loved more than anyone in your life. Yes, today you may dislike him and possibly even hate him, however, that's exactly what he wants. Yet as you can see, the hate and dislike is bouncing back to you and your children in form of Lupus and unhealthy organs (our liver by the way is the anger center in our body, anger towards other people always shows up in the liver). Moving forward on this path will only get you sicker, not healthier. Even if you "won" the case in court, without sending this man love you would still be left with the ailments. First and foremost we need to heal your hearts, then your bodies will be healed automatically and then your outward world and your finances will fall into place. Know this: all ailments here and the financial status and the seeming loss after loss are only effects. Fixing effects won't get you anywhere because effects are outward, only cause is inward. Let's find the cause first. All effect will fall by the way side.
From here on out try this:
1. Remember the times when you first met him and the qualities that you so loved in him
2. Realize that he may be a different person today, but deep down he's of the same essence as you and I (he's just as hurt and angry as you are)
3. Create a mantra, prayer or affirmation around the love you used to feel, but put it in present tense (in the now)
4. Say this affirmation all the time, silently, throughout the day, write it out, whatever and wherever you go, it should be the only thing that you think about
IF you can do this, I'm sure the heavens don't lie, your love will conquer all because love never fails; come from that place first and all else will work itself out; THAT I know for sure.
I would be more than happy to give you feedback on your mantra, if you need help with it. It's important that you pick only positive statements and that you make it short and sweet; no beating around the bush, no double meanings, etc.
When I have "enemies" then I go back to the basic items that are important to everyone:
1. Apologies (taking responsibility)
2. Forgiveness
3. Love
4. Respect
5. Gratitude
So my mantra for my enemies is always the same:
I'm sorry (I take 100% responsibility for the other person's actions); I forgive you (for everything and anything); I love you (the core essence of you, that doesn't mean I have to love what they did to me, I just love the essence of them which is the same as mine); I respect you (that you are a seedling of light just as I am); I am grateful for you (when I'm hitting the depths and the lows is when I learn all my lessons, the heights are for my enjoyment only, rarely do I learn my life lessons on the heights, they always come in the depths, so I thank my adversaries for these lessons, because of them I can grow).
Try it and please let me know how you're doing!
Cyber hugs and rays of light to accompany you and your children on your journeys.
Love,
Chaszey
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